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It was Christmas 2013.

I came home from the office and went straight to our family’s little Christmas party where I saw Lola (grandma) alone in her seat.

I went and kissed her on the cheeks and said, “Merry Christmas, Lola!”

She smiled. Looked at me. And said, “Sino ka? (Who are you?)”

I guess, people forget people sometimes… Maybe it can’t be helped. Time itself fades our memory, good and bad alike. It scares me too sometimes. Me forgetting about the people I love and them forgetting about me. Or maybe, losing the memories in general.

This whole musing made me remember this favorite poem I once loved when I was young.

 

Beyond Forgetting

by: Rolando A. Carbonell

For a moment I thought I could forget you.

For a moment I thought I could still the restlessness in my heart.

I though the past could no longer haunt me – nor hurt me.

How wrong I was!

For the past, no matter how distant, is as much a part of me as life itself.

And you are part of that life. You are so much a part of me — of my dreams, my early hopes, my youth and my ambitions – that in all tasks I can’t help remembering you.

Many little delights and things remind me of you. Yes, I came. And would my pride mock my real feelings? Would the love song, the sweet and lovely smile on your face, be lost among the deepening shadows?

I have wanted to be alone. I thought I could make myself forget you In silence and in song… And yet I remembered.

For who could forget the memory of the once lovely, the once beautiful, the once happy world such as ours?

I came because the song that I kept through the years is waiting to be sung. I cannot sing it without you. The song when sung alone will lose the essence of its tune, because you and I had been one.

I have wanted this misery to end, because it is part of my restlessness. Can’t you understand? Can’t you divine the depth and tenderness of my feelings towards you?

Yes, can’t you see how I suffer in this even darkness without you?

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart.

How could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But perhaps, you didn’t understand…

Remember, I came, because the gnawing loneliness is there and will be lost until the music is sung, until the poem is heard, until the silence is understood…until you come to me again.

For you alone can blend music and memory into one consuming ecstasy. You alone…

 

This poem made me feel like Love never forgets. Until reality thought me otherwise…

Well, sometimes, I do not know anymore.

 

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